a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
