All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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