According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
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