All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Randomize
