went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
