you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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