remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Randomize
