I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Randomize
