she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I forget how to act sober
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
