i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
