My Higher Power is John Stamos
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
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