youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
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