Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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