And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
