Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
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