Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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