I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize