is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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