I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
