The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
