Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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