i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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