WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize