Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
