I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Randomize
