I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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