So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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