I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
