I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
