i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I want to have your abortion
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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