When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
