i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
