I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
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