so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
