New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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