I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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