I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
