I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
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