he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Randomize
