So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Randomize
