I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
