so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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