He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Randomize
