Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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