i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Another day, another engagement, another cat
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
