if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize