You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
