so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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