They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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