that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
