Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
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