I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize