I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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