she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
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