Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
