dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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