You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
