I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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